Georgetown releases snow procedures

With winter in full swing on Georgetown’s campus, it seems like a good time to update the student body on the new cancellation procedures. Though Dr. Allen will still be making the final decision in the event of inclement weather, the actual options for courses of action have been significantly updated in lieu of the latest weather developments. The previous system had been left untouched in recent years, with fears of global warming leading many to believe that snow would not be a problem ever again. The latest bout of snowy conditions has changed that belief, however, and the board held an emergency session last evening to discuss new methods of cancellation. The following are some of the more relevant options that may be announced soon.

Society to take a year off

After a busy year, 2008 hopes to revel in it’s accomplishments and savor it’s success.

By JACKSON SILVANIK, Backpage Editor

After a rather overwhelming 2008, society as a whole has tentatively declared that it will be taking a year off to pursue other interests, travel and “just relax.” Much like a student

One of 2008’s triumphs was an apparent pause in the impending global warmingcrisis.

completing his or her undergraduate studies, 2008 has yet to really determine a direction for the years to come, and hopes to gain some real-world experience that will give it some perspective. “I don’t really know what I’d like to do,” 2008 remarked. “It has been a really busy year and I need to decide what to do with myself.” While this is a common course for many youngsters, it still doesn’t sit too well with the parents. “I just hope that 2008 doesn’t use this time off to party, and really takes advantage of the potential he has set up for himself,” said 2008’s father. “I’m concerned about his insurance,” expressed his mother. “I mean, if he isn’t full-time then I can’t keep him on my insurance policy. What if something should happen to him?”

Mixed results for Papa John’s

Holiday-themed event delivers lackluster results as Santa, Elves take the reigns

To those that suggest that Christmas has become too commercialized, Papa John’s turns a deaf ear. By hiring Santa Claus and his elves to run their nationwide pizza chain in the weeks leading up to Christmas, the restaraunt hoped to attract customers seeking an early dose of holiday fever and capitalize on the increasingly early fervor that accompanies the season. The difficult task was getting Santa away from the North Pole at such a busy time of year, but a spokesman for Father Christmas confirms that nothing has suffered from his divided commitments, but indeed, by doubling production over the summer the entire crew finished their production demands well ahead of schedule. Several elves confirmed that while the summer was rough, it was worth it to enjoy a break from the endless monotony of toy-making. “We’ve been making toys for literally forever, so naturally, pizza was a delicious break,” one elf told this reporter.

A troubling truth revealed

Family members come clean on what America believed to be a portrait of domestic bliss

Almost the entire family fell victim to the temptations of sweets.

After years out of the spotlight, members of the Berenstain Bear family are finally revealing what some perceptive readers suspected to be true all along: that while on the surface, their family appeared to be the ideally-run household, behind the scenes there ran a deep undercurrent of dysfunction.

The first crisis: dog problems

President-elect Barack Obama looks for pet based on cuteness, leadership qualities

With the Presidential election already in-hand, newly elected Barack Obama made his first bold declaration of the campaign season: that a new puppy would be accompanying them to the White House. This new canine companion won’t be the first dog to enjoy the luxuries of the White House, but it also won’t be all dog biscuits and cat-chasing for the new hound. Choosing a Presidential Pup can be a daunting task. The dog must not appear too aggressive or intimidating, lest it scare visiting schoolchildren. It must not appear too lazy or content, however, for fear that the public may think our President coddles those in his charge, leaving them weak when exposed to the harshness of the real world. Indeed, what is a dog if not man’s best friend? And who does a man listen to most in times of crisis? His best friend. It appears the selection of this puppy is much more complicated than meets the eye.

This dog must be able to travel abroad yet remain strong-willed and noble. It must not succumb to the temptations of other foreign and exotic pets, for its loyalty must lie within our borders. We cannot allow a dog with questionable background into the White House. God forbid, what if Obama selected from the pound a puppy planted by a foreign power, especially one with ill will towards our great nation? It must be competent in all aspects of dogdom, masterfully able to track a flying frisbee or run down a thrown stick. These are the attributes that the American people look for in their leader’s dog. It must know when to leap to the defense and when to remain docile, and it must have the ability to rescue a small child from a burning building, or track down a child that has been lost in the wild. Most importantly, it must be hypoallergenic, for the sake of those with allergies.

The Candidates

The American Eskimo Dog scores big for its high level of cuteness, but Americans just narrowly avoided being stuck with one Alaskan in the White House…however, using this may just be seen as the “reaching across the aisle” move that the Obama campaign promised.

The classic Border Collie is a favorite in American households, but its status as a sheepherder may lend an unfavorable credibility to the rumors that Obama is secretly a communist. While cute,it may have too much of a downside to have a chance.

The Terrier, a very popular dog in rural communities, would bring an air of small-town USA to the White House. They are described as tough and territorial, and this may be just the dog Obama needs to send a message to the terrorists. Favorably, it is known for having a “big dog” personality in a small dog body.

A Boxer type of dog may give Obama just the right balance of all the aforementioned attributes.With an innate sense of toughness, thedog is known as the working-man’s pet. Obama’s tax breaks mean that this could be the canine version of Joe the Plumber.

November 4: The end of an era

A sad nation mourns as the legacy of “Dubya” comes to a close.

This week America welcomes a new President into office. Though it isn’t yet official, this means that the reign of President George W. Bush will soon be coming to a close. Though he will remain as a lame-duck President for another few months, let us instead consider this time more of a farewell tour than an unnecessary nuisance. Throughout his tenure, he has accomplished numerous milestones and given the country many great memories.  Though it is regrettable that he cannot lawfully be elected for a 3rd term, we must recognize his importance to pop-culture. Please join us as we take a stroll down memory lane and celebrate the legacy of President Bush.

Konnichiwa benches, at GC we “dream BIG”

By TORI BACHMAN-JOHNSON, Staff Writer

On Sunday, Oct. 19, three professors—Dr. Scott Takacs, Dr. Rebecca Singer and Dr. Juilee Decker—judged the annual Homecoming bench contest. With a total of 100 points possible, the contest was divided into four categories worth 25 points each—School Spirit, Theme Development, Creativity and Artistic Design. Points could be deducted if teams used materials other than those they were supplied with. Along with the benches, teams were also judged on Georgetown Cheers they created and performed. This score, based out of 10 points, was added to the Overall Homecoming Week Participation Point score. Individual Attire, Enthusiasm, Props and Creativity categories were all worth two points each, as well as whether or not the cheer was school spirited. Songfest chairs received copies of the scoring criteria in September to prepare for the competitions. The “Dream Big” theme produced many very different benches, ranging from Calvin and Hobbes themed, to multiple movie themes, to a caterpillar and butterfly.

CARAMEL VERSUS CARAMEL

Syllabic conundrum plagues not only students, but English-speaking citizens everywhere

“A Werther’s by any other name just isn’t as sweet,” proclaims a Georgetown student when asked about the ever-present problem facing most Americans. What, pray tell, is the proper pronunciation of the word “Caramel”?

Four legs good, two legs bad

Festival Of The Horse deemed a “mild success” by spokesman for horses

Horses particularly enjoyed the Human Carousel ride.

This past weekend, the city of Georgetown played host to the annual “Festival of the Horse,” a chance for the four-legged species to celebrate their subdued dominance over the human race.

Around the world – Sarah Palin

Palin indulges in what she calls her favorite Russian cuisine.

Vice Presidential candidate visits legendary Epcot to brush up on Foreign Policy

Earlier this week, the Republican nominee for Vice President proclaimed her intention to brush up on her foreign policy experience in an out-of the-frying-pan-into-the-fire method, speeding through Disney World’s renowned Epcot World Showcase, a collection of 11 countries condensed into a one-mile stretch of Florida marsh.