April 7, 2011 Volume CXXIX Issue 10

Satire (?)
By PERRY DIXON
The Boy Who Lived Somehow

It seems that fans of the proper basketball teams in this region (Georgetown and UK, exclusively) were doomed to watch the two powerhouses ultimately fall in their respective national tournaments just a game from playing for a title. This, too, shall pass. On to the rest of real life. The Back Page seems to have lost its way, admittedly, as a result of the long and laborious semester to which we have all been subjected. Lest we forget, it was once a page worthy of discussion for calling our President (gasp) “Bill” (as opposed to “My Leige” or some other illustrious title of utmost respect, as is deserved), for crying out against the implicit institutional discrimination against alcohol drinkers, asking questions about the lack of handicap accessibility, the refusal of the College to endorse a legitimate GSA, the need for a clear understanding of our Christian identity and raising many other questions sometimes here and sometimes there. Unfortunately, such topics have either been answered for or utterly forgotten as though they never happened at all. Furthermore, this has been a year of searching and development, one of maturation and growth, for this Back Page and its readers.

For instance, this Editor now understands and firmly believes that it is a sign of gross disrespect to call the President of any college by anything other than his or her proper title, though the attachment of “Dark” to the title “Lord” does not take from the name any of its sovereignty. Since, across campus, there has been a prevalent cessation of alcohol consumption, championing the cause of classy beverage critique is no longer worthwhile. Oddly, there has been little apparent improvement on the situation concerning handicap accessibility, and the College still refuses to explicitly support gay people (which this Editor knows from witnessing an individual call campus safety to profess same sex desires only to be hung up on many semesters ago), but there are far more pressing matters with which the Administration must contend. Preliminary online surveys have effectively jumpstarted the efforts to determine what sort of Christian identity the College should adopt, so there is no longer a need to question those processes already in motion. Think, think, think.

The times seem to be changing as always. With a new putting green on its way and an expensive new living arrangement now available, it is difficult to find even the smallest thing about which one might write complaints or concerns. All would do well to note that the announcement of tuition increase was not a part of the April Fools’ buffoonery. This is great news, since the campus can rest assured hoping that the quality of living, facilities and resources will see equivalent improvement. To top it all, job security and the prospect of tenure for all qualified faculty should be established quite soon. All is well in Georgetown College world, one must admit. To think, we once struggled with allegations of blatant discrimination on campus and saw Transylvania look upon us as its unsophisticated racist cousin totally willing to maintain institutionalized censorship. Well we are sophisticated, we think (tons of people show up when we actually get prominent figures for CEPs), and we have plenty of black friends, and we stand for…something. We have hotlines for stuff. So take that Transylvania jerks; in your face! None of that stuff reported by every major news outlet in the state ever amounted to anything. Whammy. We know how to handle media attention around here.

This Editor would like to also publicly ponder the possibility of a Back Page State of the Union address to squash any more rumors or allegations unjustly tossed about. This would of course come in the form of a well put together video announcement on the internet or something. An example to look toward would be the polite and respectable prayer from Dr. Gambill (in all seriousness). An example to not look toward is also well within the grasp of recent memory, though it is likely not the one you are thinking of unless you think exactly like this Editor and even only then might it be a slight possibility you are thinking of the same funny video.

All positive thought aside, this Editor does recall something that must absolutely be complained about in this issue. If one takes the time to look upon the CEP cards given to students upon entry to each worthwhile event in the Chapel, one will find that the logo for the so called “Nexus” series looks absolutely ridiculous. Someone used clip art to vomit an odd conglomeration of squares and circles with various shaded areas all in a very tiny little square covered with tiny little words. This Editor wonders why a very large “N” might not be more appropriate and less offensive to the casual observer, or at least more effective in conveying the series’ purpose. Tuition increase should at least afford someone a Mac to design things with, as opposed to a Dell from 1997. This Editor just realized, alarmingly so, that the satire Back Page was meant for last week. Unfortunately, this Editor only has time to speed through one draft per week. Luckily, the best part about satire is trying to figure out what is being satirized and what is not. Historically, this Editor struggles with the distinction, so, just for this issue, treat it all as nonsensical. Unless of course readers find some of it to be true; on the Back Page, reality is this week what one makes it.
disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true

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