April 2, 2009 Volume CXXV Issue 8

All information presented below NOT real. The April Fools’ pullout is for entertainment purposes only.


Bono and The Boss to join forces

World-renowned frontmen to unite for a project of really enormous proportions
By JOEL DARLAND
Expert
The project between Bono and Springsteen was believed to be a mutualcollaboration, but it possible that Bono used force to get his way.

The project between Bono and Springsteen was believed to be a mutual collaboration, but it possible that Bono used force to get his way.

The world of entertainment is buzzing with the recent news of Bono and Bruce Springsteen’s new project. “Bonosteen,” the tentative name of the project, is slated to be the largest musical endeavor in recent history. “Yeah, the two of us, being the amazing dudes that we are, decided to team up,” Springsteen said. Bono and Springsteen have both hinted that the project has been in the works for nearly four years, but they were simply “waiting for the world to be ready.” “With the way the global economy is headed, we decided to launch this thing,” said Springsteen, adding, “it’s time for us to take center stage in the world.” What makes this project so different, and in fact revolutionary, is its real purpose.

Bono explained,“The planet is going to s—, so we thought we might as well see what we can do with it.” Bono, who is known for his humanitarian work, has already begun planning, telling people around the world to “get on your boots.” This exciting news has sent waves across the globe. World leaders have already begun sending their best wishes to the two titans. President Obama, in a special news conference earlier this week, was giddy. “This will be change even I can believe in,” he said. “I’ll be happy to scoot over for these guys, since, who am I kidding, the world has been waiting for them to step up to the plate and take control since the turn of the millennium.” Chuckling, he added, “How about ‘Bonobama’ for the next project?”

The world tour, slated for early summer 2009 and nicknamed “New World Order Aid,” will coincide with a handover of many of the world’s governing bodies. “Yeah, I mean, of course we can do a better job with this place,” Bono said. Plans are already in the works to rename most of Europe “Bonoland” and Springsteen has expressed his own interest in the United States. “I was born in the U.S.A.,” said Springsteen. It seems the entire world is thrilled with such news, but a few are protesting the move. Michael Stipe, lead singer of R.E.M., has expressed muted concern for the project, but his language was tinged with real fear for the future. “This could be the end of the world as we know it, and I don’t feel fine,” he said. But Bono was quick to respond: “To me it’s a beautiful day, and this is gonna happen with or without you.”

Andrew W.K. is really, really excited about this new collaboration.

Andrew W.K. is really, really excited about this new collaboration.

Perhaps the most lasting effect of this project will be seen on the humanitarian front. With his penchance for philanthropy, Bono may literally use this chance to launch himself into a position of political power, backed by an army of blue-collar Springsteen devotees. Could a play for world domination be in the works? Bono has reportedly secretly designed his own currency, to be implemented with a policy that he privately refers to as Bononomics. But despite the doomsday language from some detractors, many others are totally on board. Thom Yorke of Radiohead released a statement, saying with his signature strangeness, “it’s ok, computer…” Andrew W.K. was also on board, saying with his own signature excitement, “IT’S TIME TO PARTY!”

Bonosteen will appear in cities around the globe in summer 2009, and tickets will soon be available. Seats will go fast, but rest assured, Bonosteen will be around for much longer than the duration of the tour. “New World Order Aid is gonna see the rising of the planet,” said Springsteen. “Besides, I was born to run the world.”

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