December 3, 2009 Volume CXXVI Issue 11

Space, the final fun-tier

Federation Starfleet Officer

With last month’s launch of the Atlantis Space Shuttle, I thought it might be important to educate the three readers of the Back Page on the finer points of Space Travel. Space is the final frontier, but don’t let that deter you. Think of Space as the wild west, just with lasers and rockets and horrible space monsters. Space is in fact a very exciting place, just don’t forget to bring a space helmet and extra freeze-dried ice cream. Space can be a scary place, but don’t sweat it. It’s a big place, and the chances of getting involved in an interplanetary war between an evil space empire and a rebel alliance is pretty slim. If you’re going into space in the future, just remember: no one can hear you scream.

Black Holes – Stephen Hawking might make them out to be really cool, but they really aren’t. They eat everything and will crush your atoms. I probably don’t need to tell you that that’s a bad thing.

Greys – These fun-loving aliens love getting together with people and learning about human culture. Make sure you bring a whole live cow with you. They like cows for some reason.

The Death Star – Pretty self-explanatory. It’s a star that kills stuff. Stay away.

Cthulhu – Any monster that makes you go insane when you look at it is probably not your friend. But in the case that you do meet this hideous space squid from beyond the stars, get on his good side. Then when he does destroy all humanity, he might not destroy you first.

Large black monoliths – These ominous space objects probably aren’t safe to mess with, especially since they can transport you to a creepy room where you can watch yourself eat and sleep. Believe me, it’s not pleasant. Twice was enough for me.

Green alien women – Captain Kirk’s favorite ladies were green and I trust the man: his hand-to-hand fighting skills are superb.

The Moon – Basically, the moon is a horrible place. It’s cold, dark and you can’t breathe. Plus, there is a horrible creature with hair made out of spaghetti and eyes made out of meatballs that lives there. You will have nightmares for months.

disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true

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