November 12, 2009 Volume CXXVI Issue 9

I’ve been looking for FREEDOM!

By JOEL DARLAND
I am a jelly doughnut!

Secretary Gorbechav and President Reagan filling out the accident report. Needless to say, the bulldozer was totaled.

This week marked the twentieth anniversary of the destruction of the Berlin Wall. This monumentous occasion was and still is a cause for celebration for all people who value freedom. But (wait for it) is the story of the wall’s destruction what really happened?

After some digging into some very credible resources, I have come across documents and eye-witness information which adds just a bit of spice to the usual story of freedom’s triumph. The famous quote of President Ronald Reagan, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” is known to nearly everyone who can read a history book. But the truth is that Reagan speech was a lot more interesting. Sure he was like 80 years old and took several naps during the speech, but Reagan was really charismatic. In fact, after uttering his famous words, Reagan jumped into a bulldozer and drove it straight into the Berlin Wall.

After getting the bulldozer stuck in a hole, Reagan turned to Gorbachev and uttered a few not-so-memorable words: “Mr. Gorbachev, I hope you have insurance for this thing.” He promptly fell asleep. Gorbachev scowled. The weird spot on Gorbachev’s forhead also scowled. In fact, the person most responsible for the destruction of the wall was none other than Baywatch star and German pop star David Hasselhoff. This man among men, titan among mere mortals, was the key factor in the wall’s destruction.

Of course, what wall wouldn’t collapse under the power of laser vision and the strongest pecs in the universe? Hasselhoff, revered as a sort of god in Germany, was beseeched to do something about the wall and so, under cover of darkness, thousands watched as he pulverized the wall with his chest while singing “Looking for Freedom.” Millions were brought to tears.

David Hasselhoff. He destroyed the Berlin Wall, and has a talking car and puppies. Bow down before the Hoff.

Hasselhoff’s valiant actions are often forgotten (namely because immediately after destroying the wall, he sent out a wave of hypnosis beams to make the onlookers forget he was responsible, after which he returned to the Fortress of Solitude). We instead remember the countless tons of concrete and rebar, the faces of reunited loved ones, and the general feeling among East Berliners that “freedom rules!” Indeed it does.

So if you haven’t built your own tiny replica of the Berlin Wall and destroyed it with a tiny bulldozer or David Hasselhoff action figure, now would be the time. In fact, it’s a good idea to do it on a regular basis. Remembering freedom is important. It also helps you develop those important tiny construction skills.

But “Ich bin ein Berliner!” Yes John F. Kennedy, we are all jelly doughnuts, deep down.

This is me. This is also you. We are both delicious.

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