October 1, 2009 Volume CXXVI Issue 4

the back pig

SWINE FLU EMERGENCY PROCEDURES REVIEWED
By JOEL DARLAND

It’s understandable that people are worried about swine flu, seeing as how it will probably end up killing us all. But thankfully, GC is prepared for the epidemic with several emergency procedures intended to combat the vile pigs and their jerkwad sickness.

In the case that swine flu affectsthe surrounding cities but notGeorgetown College, the networkof tunnels installed under the collegein 1956 will be reopenedto allow all students, faculty andstaff to move permanently underground.The tunnels will then beresealed. Students, faculty andstaff will be then given the optionof returning to the surface in theyear 2109, or remaining undergroundto live as a race of superintelligentmole people.

In the case that swine flu affects the surrounding cities but not Georgetown College, the network of tunnels installed under the college in 1956 will be reopened to allow all students, faculty and staff to move permanently underground.The tunnels will then be resealed. Students, faculty and staff will be then given the option of returning to the surface in the year 2109, or remaining underground to live as a race of superintelligent mole people.

In the case that a swine flu outbreakcoincides with a multipledayschool closing resulting fromsnow or ice, President Crouch,already crowned Chancellor ofWinter, will also be crownedEmperor of Piggies and Piggy-Related Issues. He will then besent as a liaison to the King of thePigs to negotiate with them in anattempt to abate their dark andsmelly anger.

In the case that a swine flu outbreak coincides with a multiple day school closing resulting from snow or ice, President Crouch,already crowned Chancellor of Winter, will also be crowned Emperor of Piggies and Piggy-Related Issues. He will then be sent as a liaison to the King of the Pigs to negotiate with them in an attempt to abate their dark and smelly anger.

In the case that swine flu affectsno more than 1 percent of the college’spopulation, a wild pig anda group of wild children will bereleased on Giddings Lawn. Thechildren will then chase the pigand throw pointed sticks at it untilone of the children, incidentallynamed Piggy, breaks his glasses.At this point, half of the childrenwill form a separate tribe andmigrate to South Campus, whilethe remaining children will argueabout who gets to talk whileholding a conch shell. This willcontinue until President Crouchintervenes with some kind ofcheap dues ex machina plotdevice.

In the case that swine flu affects no more than 1 percent of the college’s population, a wild pig and a group of wild children will be released on Giddings Lawn. The children will then chase the pig and throw pointed sticks at it until one of the children, incidentally named Piggy, breaks his glasses.At this point, half of the children will form a separate tribe and migrate to South Campus, while the remaining children will argue about who gets to talk while holding a conch shell. This will continue until President Crouch intervenes with some kind of cheap dues ex machina plot device.

In the case that swine flu affectsno one at Georgetown, pork barbecuewill be served for threeweeks in celebration and as anexample to any pigs who thinkthey can just waltz into GeorgetownCollege and give us swineflu. Jerks.

In the case that swine flu affects no one at Georgetown, pork barbecue will be served for three weeks in celebration and as an example to any pigs who think they can just waltz into Georgetown College and give us swine flu. Jerks.

In the case that swine flu turnsstudents into actual pigs, all studentswill be required to dresslike pigs at all times, so as notto single out the actual pig-studentsand make them self-consciousabout being pigs. At thispoint, uninfected and infected studentswill be indistinguishablefrom each other, causing masshysteria and possible wallowingin mud.

In the case that swine flu turns students into actual pigs, all students will be required to dress like pigs at all times, so as not to single out the actual pig-students and make them self-conscious about being pigs. At this point, uninfected and infected students will be indistinguishable from each other, causing mass hysteria and possible wallowing in mud.

disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true

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