the back pig
SWINE FLU EMERGENCY PROCEDURES REVIEWED
By JOEL DARLAND
It’s understandable that people are worried about swine flu, seeing as how it will probably end up killing us all. But thankfully, GC is prepared for the epidemic with several emergency procedures intended to combat the vile pigs and their jerkwad sickness.
In the case that swine flu affects the surrounding cities but not Georgetown College, the network of tunnels installed under the college in 1956 will be reopened to allow all students, faculty and staff to move permanently underground.The tunnels will then be resealed. Students, faculty and staff will be then given the option of returning to the surface in the year 2109, or remaining underground to live as a race of superintelligent mole people.
In the case that a swine flu outbreak coincides with a multiple day school closing resulting from snow or ice, President Crouch,already crowned Chancellor of Winter, will also be crowned Emperor of Piggies and Piggy-Related Issues. He will then be sent as a liaison to the King of the Pigs to negotiate with them in an attempt to abate their dark and smelly anger.
In the case that swine flu affects no more than 1 percent of the college’s population, a wild pig and a group of wild children will be released on Giddings Lawn. The children will then chase the pig and throw pointed sticks at it until one of the children, incidentally named Piggy, breaks his glasses.At this point, half of the children will form a separate tribe and migrate to South Campus, while the remaining children will argue about who gets to talk while holding a conch shell. This will continue until President Crouch intervenes with some kind of cheap dues ex machina plot device.
In the case that swine flu affects no one at Georgetown, pork barbecue will be served for three weeks in celebration and as an example to any pigs who think they can just waltz into Georgetown College and give us swine flu. Jerks.
In the case that swine flu turns students into actual pigs, all students will be required to dress like pigs at all times, so as not to single out the actual pig-students and make them self-conscious about being pigs. At this point, uninfected and infected students will be indistinguishable from each other, causing mass hysteria and possible wallowing in mud.
disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true