October 22, 2009 Volume CXXVI Issue 6

What are the Wild Things up to?

Investigative Reporter

The new “Where the Wild Things Are” movie got me to thinking. I mean, it is a children’s book, right? But the story does seem strange. A little boy goes to a magical land filled with monsters, but is there more to the story? Is it too innocent? Too cute?

The terror and pain on the things’ faces is heartbreaking.

The terror and pain on the things’ faces is heartbreaking.

Well, unfortunately I discovered, through intense and extremely time-consuming research, the dark and quite hairy underbelly of the story. First-off, Max is a horrible child. He terrorizes his mother, his pets, and even when he travels to a land of terrific imagination, he terrorizes its doe-eyed denizens. Max is out of control, and he needed to be stopped, but his cruelty and terror know no bounds.

It seems as if the monsters were more suprised by Max’s unannounced visit than he was about their existence. The monsters of the land of the Wild Things don’t even know what kids are. “Let’s make this tiny monster creature our king!” they conspired. Of course, they didn’t really understand what kings were either. “What are kings? And what are rumpuses for that matter?” Little did they know they were in for a lifetime of despicable treatment at the hands of a six year- old dressed like a wolf. It’s no surprise then that Max would become the tyrannical ruler he isn’t quite known as from the book.

The pages of the book document the horror of the poor wild things as they are forced to swing from trees, kill trees and do all sorts of horrible demeaning things in the name of “rumpusing.” I ended up contacting Max, to get some more detailed information. The now 52-year-old investment banker said little about the whole experience. “I really don’t remember it at all,” he told me. And I think we know why you don’t remember it, mister wild-rumpus. He then added “and stop calling me.” It appears as if someone doesn’t want the truth of his tyrannical rule exposed.

At this point I reached a dead-end in my research. Someone or something didn’t want me to expose these atrocities. I also began noticing strange monster-shaped shadows lurking out of the corner of my eye, often accompanied by notes saying such things as “Stop your poking around or something wild will happen,” and often ending with “Long live King Max.” These notes were crudely written on suspicious looking leaves and tree bark. The poor wild things still cling to their horrible ruler. This on-going persecution of monsters is still at it.

“Holy crap, this kid is awesome. Let’s make him our king for no reason!” Poor,poor misguided wild things.

“Holy crap, this kid is awesome. Let’s make him our king for no reason!” Poor,poor misguided wild things.

It so happens to be one of the longest-standing tyrannical regimes in the 20th and 21st centuries. I am therefore issusing a call to action. Visit http://www.freethethings.org/stopmax/maxsucks.html for more info on how you can do your part end the suffering of the wild things.




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