Great Pumpkin? Great pie!By JOEL DARLAND
Pumpkin Pie Connoisseur
It’s that time of year again, the time when the Great Pumpkin returns to Earth to spread his mushy orange cheer. Well, cheer may not be the best word; I guess sugar-fueled frenzy would work better. Like the Bacchus cults of old, the Great Pumpkin wants everyone to just enjoy themselves, and eat as much candy as humanly possible without (or maybe with) dying or getting diabetes.
But believe me, do not trust this clown. Popularized by the comic strip “Peanuts,” that horrible strip where children rule the world and adults are reduced to faceless mumbling caricatures, the Great Pumpkin was a manifestation of all the “fun” Halloween brought with it. Or, it was the subconscious creation of Linus, whose chronic dependence on a blanket eventually produced a creature that didn’t need comfort, but terror. Or the Great Pumpkin was another excuse for kids to get free stuff on holidays, as if they deserve it.
Also, Linus is probably the worst character in the comic strip. I would not trust him any farther than I can throw him. So the Great Pumpkin, meant to deliver candy to children on Halloween, much as his jolly counterpart does at Christmas, is just as harmless right? Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t trust anything that I can eventually turn into a pie. Candy aside, the whole idea just doesn’t sit well. I mean, a large pumpkin comes to life to give me candy? Come on, I’m not gonna believe that. At least Santa Claus delivers, and you know, I saw him once when I was eight. I seriously doubt the Great Pumpkin’s motives anyway. At least you tell St. Nick what you want. This guy just shows up with candy. It seems really creepy to me.
Any other person, pumpkin or not, who offers kids candy, is going to end up on “To Catch a Predator,” I guarantee this. Candy, strangers and kids is not a combination you want to get involved with. So basically, do I trust the Great Pumpkin? Do I even want his candy? No way, the guy is obviously running some kind of racket. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had mob connections.
So just take my advice, IF you happen to see the Great Pumpkin, call the police. He is up to no good. I’ve warned the cops several times about him, but since they’ve stopped taking my calls, you readers will have to carry the torch. And if the cops seem like they don’t care, or indicate that you may be insane, go to plan B: pumpkin pie. The Great Pumpkin will definitely turn into Great Pumpkin pie. Besides, pumpkin is probably the best pie ever. Maybe the Great Pumpkin isn’t half bad after all.
Great Pumpkin Pie
1 Great Pumpkin
1 Baseball Bat
1 Pie Crust
Hit Great Pumpkin with baseball bat until pumpkin is soft. Repeat hitting the pumpkin if necessary. If pumpkin is dead, stuff it into pie crust (baseball bat may be needed again). Bake at 350 degrees for six hours until delicious.