Kanye West interrupts the Space-Time ContinuumBy JOEL DARLAND
Back Page Editor
Yo Kanye, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but you had one of the best freakouts of all time. This got me thinking. What would you do with a time-machine? I can just see you traveling through time, maybe with T-Pain tagging along, traveling in a tricked out phone booth, or a boat, maybe with a catchy title like “Kanye and T-Pain’s Excellent Adventure,” maybe telling people throughout history how they’re great and all, but other people are better. Who would you visit? Well let’s see:
Socrates: Socrates is teaching his philosopher pals about really boring metaphysics. Then Kanye jumps out from behind one of the pillars of the Parthenon and says, “Yo, Socrates, I’m really happy for you, but is it possible to know who is the greatest philosopher of all time?”
Shakespeare: The Queen of England is giving Shakespeare the best playwright of all time award, but Kanye suddenly appears and says, “Yo Shakespeare, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but Sir Francis Bacon has the best plays that he actually wrote of all time!”
Isaac Newton: Isaac Newton is chilling under an apple tree, thinking about science and such. Then Kanye sticks his head down through the branches and says, “Yo Newton, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but gravity is the greatest force in the universe and of all time.” Then Kanye proceeds to throw apples at Isaac Newton to prove his point.
The American Revolution: The British are trying to take the colonies back, but Kanye rides up on a horse and says, “Yo British Empire, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but America is gonna be the greatest nation of all time!” Then T-Pain and Kanye unfurl a huge American flag on a boat, light some sparklers and flip some burgers.
The Civil War: Robert E. Lee and Jeff Davis are chilling and drinking some bourbon, talking about how cool the south is. Then Kanye busts into their huge antebellum plantation house and says, “Yo Jeff-D, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish your civil war, but Abe Lincoln had the best beards of all time!”
The Cold War: The US and the USSR are making weapons and space stuff to one-up each other. Then Kanye flies into low orbit on a satellite and relays this message: “Yo Cold War, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but everyone knows the moon landing was the greatest hoax of all time.” Then Kanye burns up upon re-entry.
The 2000 election: Al Gore is about to win the election. Then Kanye shows up on CNN and says, “Yo Al Gore, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but you have the most boring personality of all time!” Then George Bush won Florida and the election, and Al Gore made a really boring documentary about the environment.
Kanye West in the Future: Kanye West is the emperor of Earth in the near future. He is just chilling on his huge golden throne, wearing really big neon green stunna-shades, drinking Cristal from a one of his millions of Grammies. Then Kanye from the past appears with a flash of light and says, “Yo Future Kanye, I’m really happy for you.” Future Kanye interrupts him. “I’m gonna let you finish,” Future Kanye assures him, “but I’m hip-hop’s musical messiah, and the greatest rapper of all time!” Past Kanye thinks about this, then says. “Yeah, I agree!” Then Past and Future Kanye collaborate on the best album of the past, present and future which goes quintuple platinum and wins all the Grammies and four Oscars.
So the time-traveling mishaps of Kanye West seem really awesome, and would make a movie and a half-as-good sequel. Luckily for us, aliens have not yet given us the ability to time travel, so Kanye will have to wait to hand out his opinions that no one really cares about. But Kanye, I am really happy for you anyway.disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true