September 24, 2009 Volume CXXVI Issue 3

Fall, the Back Page fall-back

So it’s fall. This means all the usual extremely sentimental and cheesy fall stuff. Hot cider, crunching leaves, togetherness etc., etc. It sucks, I know. So why can’t fall be more interesting, or dare I say, EPIC? Well, great news! This entire back page is filled with epicness, specifically the epicness of falls through history.

The Fall of Man: Apples are delicious.So delicious in fact, that the rst man andrst woman gave up paradise and nakednessfor a piece of that sweetness. “I don’t blamethem,” God commented. “Them apples is offthe hook!” What preceded this particular fallwas the colorful and often tragic history ofthe human race, full of pain suffering andanguish. Thanks apples!

The Fall of Man: Apples are delicious.So delicious in fact, that the first man and first woman gave up paradise and nakedness for a piece of that sweetness. “I don’t blame them,” God commented. “Them apples is off the hook!” What preceded this particular fall was the colorful and often tragic history of the human race, full of pain suffering and anguish. Thanks apples!

Niagara Falls: Ten trillion gallons plummetingseven miles downward. Even better ifyou’re riding over it in a tiny wooden barrel.Believe me, it’s awesome, and totally safe.

Niagara Falls: Ten trillion gallons plummeting seven miles downward. Even better if you’re riding over it in a tiny wooden barrel.Believe me, it’s awesome, and totally safe.

Albert B. Fall and Teapot Dome: Probablythe nation’s most gripping and interestingpublic scandal, President Warren G. Hardingwas involved in a plan to allow oil drillingin the Teapot Dome area of Wyoming withoutopening the contracts to bidding. Instead,Fall awarded his friends the contract. Whatmakes the scandal even more amazing is thatFall’s middle initial stands for Bacon. Yes,that’s right, his middle name is Bacon, whichis the greatest middle name ever.

Albert B. Fall and Teapot Dome: Probably the nation’s most gripping and interesting public scandal, President Warren G. Harding was involved in a plan to allow oil drilling in the Teapot Dome area of Wyoming without opening the contracts to bidding. Instead,Fall awarded his friends the contract. What makes the scandal even more amazing is that Fall’s middle initial stands for Bacon. Yes,that’s right, his middle name is Bacon, which is the greatest middle name ever.

Falls City Beer: Good old rotgut beer fromthe heart of Louisville, Ky., lovingly referredto by another more colorful moniker. Thinka word that rhymes with “City.” Simply delicious.

Falls City Beer: Good old rotgut beer from the heart of Louisville, Ky., lovingly referred to by another more colorful moniker. Think a word that rhymes with “City.” Simply delicious.

The Fall of the Roman Empire: Long aboutthe fth century, Rome was itching for achange of scenery. Luckily for them, somenice barbarians decided to come over and xthings up. “We’ll just take this off your hands,it’ll be great,” they reassured the Romans.“Some new curtains might be nice too,” theyadded. “Fine,” said the Romans, “Just don’tlead Europe into the Dark Ages or lose allof our awesome technology.” “Okay,” the barbariansshrugged and proceeded to burn andkill everything. “Rats, not again!” the Romansexclaimed not-so-surprisingly. The RomanEmpire then proceeded to explode.

The Fall of the Roman Empire: Long about the fifth century, Rome was itching for a change of scenery. Luckily for them, some nice barbarians decided to come over and fix things up. “We’ll just take this off your hands,it’ll be great,” they reassured the Romans.“Some new curtains might be nice too,” they added. “Fine,” said the Romans, “Just don’t lead Europe into the Dark Ages or lose all of our awesome technology.” “Okay,” the barbarians shrugged and proceeded to burn and kill everything. “Rats, not again!” the Romans exclaimed not-so-surprisingly. The Roman Empire then proceeded to explode.

When Gerald Ford slipped and fell down:Probably the highlight of his political career,President Ford garnered the support of theentire nation when he tripped and fell downthe stairs of Air Force One. In fact, everyonefelt so bad for him that they forgot about thewhole Nixon debacle and the Vietnam War.This daring and reckless maneuver did wondersfor his presidency, making it one of thenation’s most endearing and well-supportedpresidencies, perhaps second only that ofGeorge W. Bush.

When Gerald Ford slipped and fell down:Probably the highlight of his political career,President Ford garnered the support of the entire nation when he tripped and fell down the stairs of Air Force One. In fact, everyone felt so bad for him that they forgot about the whole Nixon debacle and the Vietnam War.This daring and reckless maneuver did wonders for his presidency, making it one of the nation’s most endearing and well-supported presidencies, perhaps second only that of George W. Bush.

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