October 29, 2009 Volume CXXVI Issue 7

From the diary of an H1N1 survivor

By SEAN MAY
Staff Writer and H1N1 Survivor

Oct. 25, 2009

1:36 p.m.

It’s been about two months since the first reports of swine flu were announced on the GC campus. At first, it seemed as if there were only a few isolated cases of people acting strangely, shuffling from class to class and moaning like mindless creatures. Now I think I’m one of the only ones left. I can’t make it to classes or to the Caf and back without having to avoid hoards of the infected, who aimlessly wander around, searching for their next meal of human flesh.

I heard a rumor on the radio that the virus is transmitted through bites and scratches. Not sure about the credibility of that claim; better stock up on long-sleeve shirts just to be safe. I haven’t been able to hear much else from the outside world, but I did pick up a broadcast from the State Health Organization the other day. It seems that top scientists in the field of condensed-soup research from all over the country are pooling their strength to create a cure that, coupled with comfortable pillows and a steady dose of daytime television, should slowly but surely eradicate this threat. God help us all.

*******

Note to self: Must research this George Romero character I keep hearing about through the static. -Sean

Disclaimer: This is a satircal article and contains no factual information about H1N1 on the Georgetown College campus or elsewhere.

 


 

A Comical Moment

zombie

 


 

Balloon boy teaches us all important lessons

By EVAN HARRELL
Staff Writer
Richard Heene, left, wife Mayumi and son Falcon teach us all important lessons.

Richard Heene, left, wife Mayumi and son Falcon teach us all important lessons.

The Heene family from Colorado, who had already been on national television on an episode of “Wife Swap,” has been all over the news and under fire recently for stirring up controversy by letting a homemade weather balloon into the air and then claiming that their youngest child Falcon was inside it. However, the child was later found hiding inside a box in the attic, and it was quickly found out that this was all a joke. Now the family is facing criminal charges. I feel somewhat bad for writing an article about this poor, misunderstood family because the media says all they wanted in the first place was more attention. But I think we can draw some lessons from them.

First, what is really wrong with all this? The Heene family just wanted to have some fun with the media, local emergency services, the National Guard and the Federal Aviation Administration. Everyone loves a little practical joke—these people just need to lighten up. Calm down. Chillax. Have they never taken a balloon ride before? What kind of sick, twisted people are they? The child’s name is Falcon for heaven’s sake; he’s supposed to fly.

Next, the boy wasn’t in any real physical danger anyway; he was hiding in a box in the attic. Apparently nobody remembers hide-and-seek either. All the Dr. Phil’s out there are saying that Falcon and his brothers’ mental health may also be in jeopardy. I think they’re reading too much into this. But what does mental health matter? Having a stable mind and being able to rationalize our thoughts is so overrated—we all should learn that lesson from their father. This man is truly extraordinary. He builds an incredible weather machine which can both fly in the air and supposedly hold a small child at the same time. Why doesn’t he get a Nobel Prize?

Lastly, there are people who insist that the population in China is growing, and dangerously so. But there is a way to fix this problem. Instead of telling couples they can only have one child, I propose that every female child be placed into a balloon and be sent off somewhere. After all, females are the weaker sex. I am not exactly sure of the projected coordinates to which the balloons would travel because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps. And our education over here in the U.S. should help the Chinese to find maps and such so they will be able to find their children in the future.

So, there is a myriad of life lessons one can learn from just looking at this family. First, have a little fun. There’s no sense in being stressed out all the time. Second, don’t overthink things too much. I’d say all the news anchors who stopped what they were doing to watch a balloon fly through the air feel pretty dumb right now. Lastly, and most importantly, if you procreate often and end up with too many children, just send a few off in a balloon somewhere. Nobody will suspect you of anything. Think about it, the Heene family has already cried wolf —you’re home free!


Student saw himself in the beast, the beauty

By KHANT MINN
Staff Writer

If you thought the world needed help to add colors to her beautiful face, you must have been locked up in your own little world. Please get out there and behold. Yellow, purple, orange, red and brown. On the trees, on the grass, on the bushes, on the lanes, on the sidewalks. They are everywhere. It is such a breathtaking spectacle to see them playing with the squirrels and dancing on the wind. To behold Nature’s glamour in such a picturesque scene after having to watch the students’ hopeless efforts to color their worlds during the last few days is an awakening experience which is far beyond my ability to portray in words.

Sadly, I have not had a chance to indulge in the fascination of those fallen leaves for long. On the contrary, I have sent them into exile. Blame me all you want. Prosecute me if you wish. I am the one who has freckled the face of fall. I am the one who has abducted the colorful leaves that decorate the world. But I have had no choice. I was armed with a rake, my partner with a shovel, both of us ordered to make the leaves disappear. What do you expect us to do? Throw our weapons away and walk out? As much as I loved those leaves, and as much as I wished them to stay on the ground, where they were meant to stay, not in a stinking garbage truck with ugly and disgusting wastes, I am paid to obey orders and do my job.

Professionalism comes before personal feelings. I felt desperate when I pulled the lever to let the mechanic hand grab, squeeze and feed the leaves into the stomach of the truck. What on earth had they done to deserve such cruelty? All they did was beautify the world by adding colors, right? And even after they die and decay, they are going to turn themselves into organic fertilizers and feed the soil. They are even going to become precious fossil fuel.

It is ironic that when a bunch of college kids went on stage and pretended to color their worlds, people paid to watch and cheer them, but those who gave their lives to actually color the world ended up as garbage. Where is the rationality that people claim to have? Where is the justice that people treasure so much? Is this how we are going to pay back the debt that we owe to Mother Earth? The thing is that those questions are not even asked, let alone answered. Human beings are blinded by their egos. They do not see beyond themselves. I once took a peek outside my nutshell while I was “taking care of the stray leaves” and since then I have realized that I am one of the ugliest and the most damaging creatures in this beautiful world of colors.

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