Don’t be scared, get health cared!
By JOEL DARLAND
That’s Dr. Handsome to you!
New and exciting health care options are now available to you thanks to the new giant health care bill. Pres. Obama’s gift to America, the new health care system has some surprises for those willing to scan the 314,900 words of the bill. So get excited about some of the new changes coming to our health care system in the coming years.
“Darth Vader” clause—This awesome addendum adds a new option for amputees or nerds. You can become Darth Vader. Inspired by the type of awesome robot health care Anakin Skywalker received in “Star Wars,”you too can have your arms and legs replaced by robot arms and legs and be outfitted with an asthmatic breathing apparatus that makes you sound just like James Earl Jones.
Vampires—For a certain segment of the population who think certain really awful books are actually good,the government will be sponsoring Vampire treatments to cure disease and extend life expectancy. But these aren’t sparkly pretty-boy vampires,these are real can’t go in the sun, can turn into bats, say their “w’s” as “v’s”and sleep in coffins vampires. If you’re into that, then go for it.
Leeches—If it was good enough for the Middle Ages, it’s good enough for us. I mean, someone explain to me how attaching horrible little creatures to your body to suck out your blood is a bad idea. Seriously.
Do it yourself health care—a special provision for the self-employed,the new system allows certain people to simply do their own health care. The government will provide instruction manuals and bone saws to those who want to take the initiative. Because when you do it yourself, you know the job will be done well.
Getting shot into the sun—This new cure-all procedure will be offered as a cheap alternative to such things as “medicine” and “surgery” and “bed rest.” Instead, patients will be loaded into a cannon and shot into the sun.Because if you’re inside the sun and also on fire, you will probably be distracted from whatever is ailing you. Sounds good to me.
LHC-HC—Not only is the Large Hadron Collider for smashing protons together, which it finally did, the health care bill now allows for special use in medical procedures. These will include ultra high-energy MRIs, super-duper-X-rays and creating black holes inside your body to suck all your diseases away (along with, eventually,the entire earth).
Exposed to radioactive waste—This new option will allow patients to be exposed to radioactive waste to turn them into superheroes. Wolverine has super healing powers and so can you! Of course, there is the chance that you will just become a hideous mutant and be forced to live in the sewers, but that is a small chance. Like less than 30 percent.
disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true