April 15, 2010 Volume CXXVII Issue 10

Bored? To the future!

By JOEL DARLAND
Make like a tree, and get out of here!

Marty McFly is pretty much the archetype for cool people both in the future and now. So pretty much the coolest person in the past, present and future? Yes.

So after completing the work for my senior art show, something hit me: I am really boring. Not bored, mind you. Well, I am kinda bored, but that’s beside the point. This is much more serious. My status as a capable and functional member of society is at stake here. I could very well be extremely uninteresting. So, of course, I want to remedy this situation. But you might ask yourself, “How can this person who is extremely boring make himself unboring if in fact he is already boring?” Essentially, how can 0+0=1? Well my astute and elite readership, there is a way: SCIENCE FICTION.

Have you ever wished something could happen in real life but it couldn’t because some silly law of physics or chemistry wouldn’t let it? Well, that’s where science fiction comes in. Never again will science stop you from achieving your dreams, because science fiction can pulverize science until it does what you want. Like in my case. I can’t be interesting? Well, my self from the future is. And my future self can travel back in time and tell me how to be cool. See? Problem solved. Thanks, science fiction! So, here we go.

My future self informs me that in order to be cool, I must first travel into the future to know what is cool there and bring it back to myself in the past so that that self can then travel again back to another past self and arm that self with knowledge and then…Well, this is already going really smoothly, so maybe I’ll skip the logistics and get right to the info. Apparently, being interesting, at least in the future, involves robotic Nikes. So L.A. Lights for adults? Sign me up. It was cool then and will be again some day. Flashy shoes are a great way to distract people from your bland personality. So talk about how many Jigawatts of power your shoes consume and, voila! Instant heated debate about carbon footprints and stuff like that. Lady GaGa’s electronic outfits are way ahead of us on this one, but, since she is a time-traveling cylon from the future, she would know. Also, hoverboards seem to be in vogue. My future self arrived riding one of them, and I sure was impressed. Impressed enough to get one for myself. I mean, I already have one in the future, but I want one now in the present. And heck, I guess having one in the past would be cool too.

Basically, time travel is pretty spectacular, because it allows us to have things now to make us cooler now so we can be as cool now as we are in the future. So, have I accomplished my goal? Has science fiction given me a new window into a life of interesting significance? Probably not. In fact, it’s probably made things worse. Seriously, what’s more boring than science fiction? I mean, sure, there are aliens and robots and time travel and epic space battles and space opera and dystopian futurescapes and alternate history, but is that stuff really worth my time? Actually scratch that—it really is, because all those things are totally worth my time and effort. In fact, I think I’m going to go build a robotic alien time-traveling space ship and go out and explore the wide open universe. Space is way more interesting than earth. Seriously, this planet has run its course. A giant ball of rock and water can only interest one for so long. It’s time for a change.

So, in conclusion, if you are still looking to de-boring yourself, become a time-traveling space adventurer. It worked wonders for Captain Kirk. Heck, he could be the coolest dude in any and all times. But then again, Marty Mcfly might give him a run for his money. As far as I know, Kirk can’t wail on a guitar, and that is a definent requirement for super-interestingness.

Lady GaGa: so fashion forward, she’s actually in the future bringing her incredible styles back to us. Isn’t science great?

disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true
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