April 22, 2010 Volume CXXVII Issue 11

Take these feelings and shove ‘em

You talkin’ to me?

Need some sensitivity training? No, you don’t! Those saps who can’t handle the truth need truth-handling training! But since no one has invented truth-handling training, gotta go with the other. But don’t go out inventing that stuff. I got dibs on it and I will hunt you down and shoot you in the— nah, I’m kidding. But really, don’t even think about it.

Empathy chip

—Taken directly from the classy and sophisticated television show “Futurama,” this brain implant allows you to feel exactly what other people are feeling. This allows you to directly and invasively get an insight into how others feel. Though only suitable for robots, which incidentally don’t have emotions, I’m sure it can be adapted for human use. Unless, of course, you are a robot. Then I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

A board with a nail in it

—Instead of relying on your own ability to relate to others and their “feelings,” you can use this very helpful tool to get others to understand you instead. This tool has been used for centuries as an aid in diplomacy. Theodore Roosevelt used one of these, and you can too. In fact, Roosevelt might just be a good role model for this kind of thing. Carry a big stick indeed. Good stuff.

Not saying anything

—This is a tried and true method. Just keep your mouth shut. Novel, I know, but really, give it a shot. And if you have trouble with that, your friend Mr. Duct Tape can give you hand. He’s pretty good at that.

Switching brains/bodies

—Either of these options work, though both are pretty mad-scientist. You may have to locate a doctor with questionable enough ethics, but once you do, the procedure is a snap! It’s great for instant empathy for all parties involved. It can even be kinda fun, too. You could switch brains with a duck, for example. Or a potato. Whatever floats your boat.

Deserted island

—You could also simply move to a place where there are no people. Instead, the only things you would have to relate to would be coconuts. And they really don’t care at all, so everybody wins. But coconuts can be sort of mean, so prepare yourself.

Become a robot

—Why understand people when you could simply never have to feel again? Since robots are unable to feel emotions, simply implant your brain in a robot body and never have to worry about feeling love or hate or joy ever again. Who needs them when you can be a cold, lifeless machine?

Walking in another’s shoes

—I don’t really understand this one, but it works for some people. I guess you steal shoes from people and then wear them and magically understand them? I don’t know; it sounds pretty sketchy to me. And it sounds a lot like witchcraft. I don’t trust that black magic, no sir.

disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true

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