February 11, 2010 Volume CXXVII Issue 2

Sending the Snowpocalypse back to the Stone Age

By JOEL DARLAND
Ug-zuk-grog-tog

This horrible weather has brought to mind last year’s Snowpocalypse. I’m sure you remember it—when classes were cancelled for seven weeks and human society broke down. So will it all happen again? Is there a new ice age upon us? What will we do? How will we survive? Luckily, cave people came through it ok, though they didn’t last when humans showed up on the scene. Top of the food chain? I think so. But that’s not to say they have nothing to teach us. So sharpen up your stone spears and adjust your loincloths, it’s time for a lesson in cave studies.

Encino Man — Pauley Shore’s magnum opus (unless you ascribe to the idea that Bio-Dome is his masterpiece,which many do) teaches several important lessons. Namely, the importance of adapting to new environments like high school in order to survive. Brendan Fraser’s best work has much to teach us about the power of survival.

Those Far-Side cavemen — Gary Larson’s enigmatic cavemen are far from realistic, but the hilarious juxtaposition of these primitive people with modern conventions such as“speech” and “dancing” offers hours of entertainment at these pitiful peoples’ expense. Not only can these misguided troglodytes teach us little about survival,but they sure are goofy.

The GEICO Cavemen — These particular Neanderthals aren’t really useful for my purposes. I mean, the premise isn’t really believable. Cavemen wearing clothes and doing things humans normally do? I think not.Cavemen can’t do these things, as every one knows.

Fred Flintstone — I guess animal slavery is the only thing we can takeaway from this one. But that isn’t ethical, so forget having an elephant vacuum your carpets. It just isn’t happening.

Otzi the Iceman — Really, this guy has little to offer. I mean, did he survive? No, he was dumb enough to get frozen in the Alps. Obviously this guy knew nothing about survival or he would still be around. So the lesson? I guess don’t freeze to death? Pretty good advice if you ask me.

Bob — The titular character in a series of Nickelodeon short films, this spirited caveman teaches us several things, namely that, if one encounters aliens, one should not interact with them. The relationship between Bob and Prometheus, the show’s other protagonist, is a strained one, and teaches us that aliens and cavemen don’t mix. Perhaps it is a good idea to keep tin foil hats on hand in case aliens attempt to give us the same run around they gave the poor cavepeople.

disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true
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