February 4, 2010 Volume CXXVII Issue 1

How great art thou?

By JOEL DARLAND
Pretty Cool Guy

There comes a time in every person’s life when they become aware that they might not be as awesome as they think they are. Of course, this has never been the case for me. But for the sake of argument, what if there was some kind of test to determine the greatness of say, how great someone is? Can such a thing be measured? Luckily for you, dear low-numbered readers of the Back Page, I have complied a short test of greatness.

1. How many bears have you killed with your bare hands? (Note: this is not a question of if, but how many).

2. How many planes have you successfully emergency landed? This can either be on land or sea, but preferably sea.

3. Have you ever seen the “Indiana Jones” movies? Does your life resemble these movies? If not, why?

4. Can you slam a revolving door? Can you prove this?

5. How many of your own fingers have you cut off, accidentally or otherwise?

6. How many marshmallows can you fit in your own mouth? In someone else’s mouth?

7. How many cheeseburgers can you fit in your own mouth? In your dog’s mouth?

8. If you were to head-butt a shark, would the shark explode? If not, what are you doing wrong?

9. If you encountered ten ninjas, what would you do? (If your answer is anything but “I would make them all explode,” then you need to reexamine your life).

10. What do you think about outer space? (If your answer is anything but “Space is awesome,” then who do you think you are?)

11. How long can you hold your hand in fire? Do you think this is an acceptable amount of time?

12. If you went back in time, how long would it take you to become ruler of the dinosaurs? This is, of course, inevitable.

13. On how many occasions have you traveled back in time? Did all of these result in great wealth or personal renown? If not, why didn’t you just stay in the past, you failure?

14. If you can grow a beard, why haven’t you?

15. Are you mysterious as the dark side of the moon?

If the answers to these questions are anything but 37, yes and “X is awesome,” then you have failed the greatness test. If this is the case, look up Teddy Roosevelt and take some notes, then resign yourself to the fact that Teddy is awesome and you never will be.

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