March 4, 2010 Volume CXXVII Issue 5

By JOEL DARLAND
No longer a pariah!

Your sick day will never be as good as these guys’. You will never be as cool as them either.

So I was sick. Not like “O-no-I’m-coughing-call-the-hospital” sick, more like “O-Lord-I-think-I-just-threw-up-one-of-my-kidneys” sick. Yes folks, it is that time of the year, when a combination of bad diets, stress, nerves and jerkwad illnesses all come together for some really great parties hosted in your insides.

The cold weather is on its way out and the warm weather is taking its sweet time. The scene is just perfect for some awesome sick days. Not only is this time of year quite exciting, it is also a great time to quarantine yourself from your friends and family while you incubate 14 billion happy little germs in your stomach. These houseguests normally don’t make very good friends, however, which is why your most constant companion during these times might be your local toilet.

In fact, you will probably become fast friends because you will be spending a lot of your time with it. So it’s probably important to get to know it as well as possible. What is its favorite color? Its favorite food? Did it like “Avatar?” These are all important things to ask your new best friend. Sick days used to be pretty awesome. Staying home from school, eating sugary cereal in bed, watching cartoons all day—these were a fantastic way to the spend the day while your poor friends were stuck doing dumb things like reading and learning.

Nowadays, sick days are a little bit different. Staying home is still the same, but all the fun stuff is replaced by some not so fun things, like barfing one’s brains out and daytime talk shows. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun, right? You have to make it fun. Try making up fun games like “How long can I go without throwing up,” or “Guess who the baby’s father is on ‘Maury.’” This can help alleviate the more boring parts of your sick day.

So what can you do with all this free time and fun? For one thing, don’t spread it around. It’s a party for one, so don’t invite your friends. Well, you could invite your not-so-great friends. That would probably be ok. But don’t overdo it. If you do you might get labeled some kind of biological weapon and that really doesn’t look good on a resume. Potential employers don’t really go for the “Chemical Ali” candidate.

Sickness is a special time and should be cherished. It’s like Christmas; it only comes once a year and is usually a huge disappointment. Remember, the adventures are endless. Our microscopic friends are always inventing new and exciting ways to lay us out for days on end. You think you spent enough time with that flu bug last year? Well prepare for part two, as “Revenge of the Flu” comes to a theatre near you. This, of course, to be followed by the “Bride of the Flu,” “Son of the Flu,” and “The Flupire Strikes Back.” You may think you’re alone in the battle, but always remember, there are billions of tiny things in your body that are right there with you, and will be there with you for at least a few more days.

Say hello to your new best friends: seventeen billion lovable viral infections. Aren’t they cute?

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