April 1, 2010 Volume CXXVII Issue 8 – April Fool’s Pullout – Special Features

WARNING: All information presented below is NOT real. The April Fools’ pullout is for entertainment purposes only.

Witty Whitley gives advice in April

By WHITLEY ARENS
Witty Witty McWit-Wit

Dear Witty Whitley,
I’m one of the few cool professors at my college with a Facebook. That being said, I’m friends with a large number of my students. I often like to look at their pages during my planning period just to keep up and stay hip. However, I’m wondering where the line between cool and creepy lies. I’m hoping someone from a younger generation can help me understand how to not damage my “rep.”
-Popular Prof.

Dear Popular,
First, can I just tell you how nice it is to see that you’ve kept up with the technology of the age? I think it’s great that you’re on Facebook. I’m sure it’s served you well so far. That being said, I do understand your concern. After all, there is a fine line between keeping tabs on your students statuses to know when they’re skipping class or to monitor their overnight progress as they complete a paper for your class that they have procrastinated on, and just being plain creepy. I would suggest you restrict how often you comment on your students’ less-than-exemplary behavior. For instance, I probably wouldn’t comment “Heck yeah!” on a student’s status about partying it up over the weekend. Likewise, you shouldn’t comment “That’s probably not wise since your grade is already borderline-failing in my class” as well. Basically, it’s fine to keep tabs on your students, and even write on their walls occasionally, but you probably shouldn’t get too personal. When in doubt just ask yourself this—”How would I feel if my mom posted that on my page?” Works every time.
Sincerely,
Witty Whitley

Dear Witty Whitley,
I am a freshman at Georgetown College and I still haven’t picked my major. I hear a lot of talk about some majors being “useless” these days. I really don’t want to choose a major that fits into that category. So, I was just wondering, in your opinion, what is the most useless major so I make sure to stay away from that one.
-Useful Undergrad

Dear Useful,
That’s a very good question. Obviously, there could be arguments made for a lot of different majors being the most useless. For instance, communications is too general to be applied to any specific field (A.K.A. it is the fancy term for “undecided.”) Or there’s philosophy—I mean, really, who gets paid to sit around and think all day? Clearly these are solid arguments, but I’m probably going to have to go with english. I mean, seriously, if you didn’t already know how to read and write then you probably wouldn’t be in college. That’s my take on it. Perhaps, you should consider a music major. After all, we all know they always find jobs in their field.
Sincerely,
Witty Whitley

Dear Witty Whitley,
I consider myself a poor college student. With my lack of financial funds, I see no problem with taking food from my roommate’s stash when I am hungry. Nor do I see a problem with “borrowing” my roommates clothes when I have not had time to do laundry. However, my roommate seems to have a problem with this. Especially when she walked in on me finishing off a bag of her potato chips while wearing her shirt. I don’t understand what to do. How can I make her see my side of things?
-Masterful Mooch

Dear Mooch,
I really have nothing to say to you. Maybe you should rewrite Shaggy’s “It wasn’t me” to fit your situation and try singing it the next time your roommate catches you stealing her stuff. Let me know how that works for you.
Sincerely,
Witty Whitley

Well, that wraps up my advice for this week. Remember to send your submissions to Witty Whitley at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW or 1060 West Addison, and make sure and have a witty good day.


Top 5 Pranks

By ANDY RUSSELL
Sports Dude

We are all looking for that perfect prank aren’t we? We want so badly to scare the living daylights out of someone for our own amusement and film it so we can watch it over and over again. Well, with April Fool’s Day coming up, there is a prime opportunity to do some pranks. However, take heed and don’t do anything that is going to get you in trouble or get you sent to jail. Here are the top five pranks gone wrong (One to five, with five being the worst):

1. Don’t jump out of a dryer. There were three teens in Florida that decided it would be funny to hide in dryers at the local laundromat and when people tried to use them, they would hit the door of the dryer and jump out to scare them. What wasn’t funny was when a lady came up to a dryer on the side where the teen couldn’t see her and put her money in to start the dryer and it started. The teen suffered minor burns but he wasn’t about to hide in the dryer again.

2. Respect your garbage man. One teen in Ohio hid in a box in the garbage for the garbage man to find him. When the garbage truck rolled up and the man got out to collect the garbage, the teen jumped out of the box and scared the man. In fact, he scared him so much that the man punched the teen in the face and broke his nose. You know what they say about garbage men.

3. Fire in the hole. There were four teens in Iowa that pulled up to a drive-through window at a Taco Bell to get their order. When the cashier opened the window to collect their money the driver yelled, “Fire in the hole” and threw a cup of hot sauce at the clerk. The clerk suffered from vision problems because the hot sauce got in his eyes and the four teens were all punished. This is one of the dumbest pranks of all time because the punishment was a $500 fine and a night in jail. Try this at your own risk.

4. Don’t make prank 911 calls. This is just dumb. A teen in Maryland decided to make three prank 911 calls to the local police department. The first was a hostage situation, the second was a shooting and the third was a bomb threat. The teen faces criminal charges after he said, “I was just looking for a good laugh. I didnt think it would harm anyone.”

5. Stop signs are there for a reason. In Florida, three teens were killed at a busy intersection after being hit by an 8-ton truck because three other teens thought stealing stop signs would be a funny joke. The teens were convicted and sentenced to 15 years in prison.

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