April 1, 2010 Volume CXXVII Issue 8 – April Fool’s Pullout

WARNING: All information presented below is NOT real. The April Fools’ pullout is for entertainment purposes only.

Woods joins the Buddhist clergy

Star golfer goes from Swedish supermodel to life of celibacy after fantastic year
By ANDY RUSSELL
Sports Guru

Source: alligatorfarm.wordpress.comWe have all known for some time that Tiger Woods is a man of his word; kind, gentle, sweet-spirited and nice. He has been looking to use these traits somewhere outside of the golf course and he has finally found it; he has joined the Buddhist clergy, the Sangha. This announcement came after Tiger finished his final tournament as a golfer on the PGA Tour in 2009. Woods made this decision because he felt he could influence people with his religion and could show people that they could do anything they want.

Woods is the first professional athlete to net $1 billion in income and is planning to donate that money to multiple organizations around the globe. According to Woods, the main reason he wanted to do this was to live a life of celibacy. For a member as distinguished and polished as Woods, sexual activity is totally forbidden; this includes physical contact or suggestive speech. This should be no problem for Woods considering his track record: professional golfer, all the money and fame he could ask for, a loving wife (whom he is now giving up for religion) and a great family. Seems like the ideal American dream, doesn’t it? You sure don’t have to look far for a little encouragement in this country.


Nets making a playoff push with a loophole in the NBA

By ANDY RUSSELL
Sports Analyst

Source: realclearsports.comWe all know the story of the New Jersey Nets: terrible team, terrible coaching and terrible record. As of today, the Nets have averted tragedy in two ways, however: first, they have won six games in three days (that has to be some kind of a record) and steered clear of the worst record in the NBA. Also, they are making a playoff push. That’s right, you heard me correctly. The Nets, the team that has a 10-64 record (that’s not a typo) with a .13 winning percentage, can at least read.

In section XXIV of the NBA handbook, it states that: “A team that does not win at least 15 percent of its seasonal games on or before April 10 is eligible pending a review for a ninth playoff spot in their respective conference.” This happened once before, although five teams have been eligible. The only team to pass the review was the 72-73 76er’s who went 9-65 and won .12 percent of their games. The only reason they passed the review was because they didn’t get into double-digit wins. This loophole in the handbook could be a silver lining on a very dark cloud for the Nets and could bring a little hope to the end of their miserable season. There are such things as Cinderella teams. Who knows, maybe the Nets will cut down the nets at season’s end.


Dr. Phillips to Enter 2010 NFL Draft

By EVAN EGAN
Contributing Writer

Early Monday morning Dr. Phillips confirmed that he will be leaving Georgetown College to enter his name into the upcoming NFL Draft. Many people were surprised to hear that Dr. Phillips was the #1 high school football prospect in 1997. Phillips had every college in the country knocking on his door. However, he chose to hang up the cleats and go to college to become a teacher. After Phillips received his teaching degree he began working at Georgetown College, and has been for the past 7 years.

Several months ago Phillips was uncharacteristically running a little late for class so he started jogging to get there faster. Phillips’ jog gradually turned into a full sprint that caught the eye of several students on campus. A particular student by the name of Nick Durso realized that Phillips possessed world class speed. After several weeks of Durso begging Phillips to try a couple of simple football drills, Phillips agreed. Durso recorded Phillips in the 40-yard dash, vertical jump, and broad jump. Phillips results were beyond outstanding and borderline unbelievable, but luckily Durso secretly filmed the work out. Phillips ran the 40-yard dash in an astonishing 3 seconds, had a 57” vertical jump, and his broad jump was so far, it could not be determined.

Durso sent a video of the workout to every team in the NFL and people started to riot in the streets. Overnight, Phillips jumped to the #1 pick on everyone’s draft board. The St. Louis Rams have the #1 pick in the 2010 Draft and almost everyone believes the will be drafting Phillips. I recently caught up with Phillips and asked him what he plans on doing with his anticipated multimillion dollar contract. Phillips told me he would, “Buy the love of Sarah Michelle Gellar, buy the original batmobile, and build a vacation home on the “Lost” island. Phillips will be dearly missed here at Georgetown College, but he hopes to continue his legacy on the field of battle.

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