December 9, 2010 Volume CXXVIII Issue 12

Back Page Editor/ The Boy Who Lived

Dear Dr. Crouch Santa,

First, let us go ahead and acknowledge we have a tendency to be naughty rather than nice from time to time. For instance, there were, admittedly, pumpkins and cones repeatedly placed on top of the grave markers on Jackson around Halloween. There have been giant phallic images painted on fraternity doors, (many, many) instances of alcohol use, paintings on top of Collier, water balloons shot at innocent bystanders from distances up to 300 yards, fireworks thrown out of windows, two-liters exploded in the middle of the night, couches destroyed, general obscenities screamed, insults uttered, disrespect conveyed and rebellion encouraged. These are just some of the things anyone who lives on South Campus will admit to having observed at some point throughout the last year. There should probably be a preemptive apology for the hazing (so much worse than at a large university) and general buffoonery that second semester brings; it will be awesome, but we apologize nonetheless. Hopefully our transgressions will be a bit more creative and ambitious (we’re trying to get the fire marshal to give us clearance for another bonfire in the quad, do not worry). However, the first step is admitting we have a problem. So there, we have issues with how we handle boredom and the college malaise. Problem admitted. If you could find it in your heart to forgive us, we have some cheeky requests to make on this year’s Christmas list. Obviously we do not hope for all of these to be answered, but hopefully one or two will make it on your massive to-do list. Or not. (Who are we kidding here?)

1. A College Identity (who are we?)

2. Tenure for Professors Who Deserve It

3. Better Relationships with Alumni who could Aid Financial Stability

4. A Soccer Stadium With More than one Bathroom

5. Golden Rings

6. A Green Team (facetious)

7. An Annual Home-Brewing Competition Between Departments and Organizations (Like the Chili Cook-Off, But Obviously Better)

8. Fresh Yellow Lines in the Parking Lots

9. A Phone Call to the Bengals or Someone Who Can Update the Actual “Weights Area” of the Weight Room (the T.V.’s work fine)

10. Bon Iver Booked for a Christmas Concert and Lil’ Wayne Appointed to the Board of Trustees

11. A New Curb on Giddings (wait, what? got it already.)

12. Turn Those Houses Used for Storage Next to the Military House into more Student Housing

13. Removal of the Mold

14. The Removal of Songfest (It is rigged, generally sucks for everyone involved, is not even that cool of a tradition because of all of the restrictions, and ruins the first half of any Greek woman’s semester)

15. Contract With Charmin Toilet Paper (Notre Dame’s Toilet Paper is Amazing)

16. More Funding for the Science Department; Update Asher

17. An Updated Philosophy Wing of the Library and a Million-Dollar English Grant (ok, that was selfish)

18. A National Championship for All Athletic Teams (there, that was not)

19. An Upgrade to Jordan Brand Sponsorship for Our Athletic Teams (all black Jordan basketball warmups would be sick)

20. Cash Money Return for Unused Tiger Dollars

21. Elevated Academic Standards for Admission, Not Reduced

22. Consistent Attraction of Prominent Members of Each Field for Departmental Talks

23. Legitimization of SGA (sorry, ladies, definitely not there)

24. An Open Forum with the College’s Executive Cabinet for which Questions Do Not Have to be Screened (a collection of executives and Ph.D’s should be able to field questions from undergrads without much difficulty, no?)

25. A Dead Week before finals, not a single Reading Day (people who drink spend it recovering, and people who do not spend it stressed and without enough time to get very much accomplished because one day does not a semester’s problems solve).

26. Diversity (the real kind, not just kind conceived by the white upper-middle class)

27. How About Free Laundry, and Not Free Laundry for an Extra Hundred Dollar Increase on Everyone’s Tuition (rumor voiced, article next semester forthcoming)

28. Some Short Term Expenses that Would Pay Off in the Long Run (for example, making our electricity efficient and cost effective now; we spend too much on that bill, Bill.)

29. The Awesome Equestrian Games Super Dorm with New Caf and Quad and Rocket Ship

30. Just a Rocket Ship, A Real One

31. An Escalator (does not matter where)

32. A VIP Day for Current Students, not people who may or may not come to college (we pay a ton of money to go here; give us some “free” muffins and coffee in the LRC, dang.)

33. Twenty-Four Hour Visitation (just kidding, we do it anyway)

34. A Place to Party Besides Asian and Mexican Restaurants

35. An On-Campus Bar (so we do not have to go to Lexington and worry about making it back); it works for Regent’s Park College in Oxford-we should at least try it for a year or so.

36. In fact, why not get Anheuser-Busch to Sponsor the Football Stadium and have draft deals all season (that would make football games awesome and get us some money, which we obviously need)

Merry Christmas,

Stop Eating All the Cookies,

The Back Page Editor

disclaimer: the contents of the back page are not necessarily true


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