December 2, 2010 Volume CXXVIII Issue 11

New debate proves a fateful duel

Features Editor

Darth Vader studies his new enemy.

I recently came across a question on Facebook posed by a friend who wanted to know who would win in a fight: Harry Potter or Darth Vader. My immediate response was that Vader could defeat Harry without so much as lifting a finger, you know, since he can use the Force and all. But perhaps the other side has an argument too.

The power of magic in the world of Harry Potter cannot be denied; there are spells for stunning, for placing protective barriers, for compelling others to do one’s bidding and even for killing. The chief advantage Vader has over Potter is the fact that Harry needs to be able to speak to cast a spell and he will find that somewhat difficult to do while being Force-choked by Vader. Now, I know that spells can be cast non-verbally, but Harry only ever managed to cast one spell without speaking and it was not a particularly useful one in a fight with a Sith Lord (I am referring, of course, to Levicorpus). Vader may be hanging upside down, but he can still use the Force just fine to finish Potter off.

Hermione Granger, is Potter’s secret weapon

One point in Potter’s favor is that if he manages to get a spell off, Vader would have almost no defense against it. His lightsaber is only effective against physical matter and energy, so against magic it would offer no protection. Furthermore, we have no way of knowing whether the Force would be able to interact directly with a magical spell and be able to deflect it, but, given the unusual nature of magic, I will assume that Vader can’t use the Force to stop a spell with his hand like he stops a blaster bolt.

Yet another point in Potter’s favor is the rapidity with which he could heal a non-fatal injury through magic. Vader would likely have to visit a mechanic and/or enter a healing trance to repair any damage that he sustains, which would be somewhat difficult to do during a fight.

One final point in Potter’s favor is the fact that he never seems to be anywhere dangerous without Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, so a fair one-on-one fight would likely end up being a three-on-one fight. With all three of them together (especially with Granger’s knowledge of magic), then they might be able to overwhelm Vader and defeat him. However, even in this situation, my money is still on Vader.

The Force is just too powerful to be defeated by magic. In Vader’s words, “The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.” Given that the magic in Harry Potter’s world is nowhere near powerful enough to destroy a planet, I think I am safe in saying that the Force is more powerful and that as a practitioner of the Force, Vader would beat Harry Potter.

As an aside, I am aware that there is also a debate about who would win a contest between Voldemort and Vader—the same arguments apply to Voldemort as Harry Potter. The only difference is that Vader would have to kill Voldemort several times while he collects Voldemort’s horcruxes and stabs them to death with a lightsaber.

Potter’s friends practice their lightsaber skills.

Students discuss: vampires or werewolves?


Before I even attempt to begin this article—in which I plan to argue for the supreme nature of vampires over werewolves—I would like to make one thing clear: this article has nothing to do with “Twilight.”

In this article, when I say “vampire,” I’m not referring to that pansyboy Edward who glitters in the sun. Sorry to offend those of you with a Robert Pattinson affinity, but he’s not that great. (Seriously, “Remember Me” is a terrible movie. Even worse than “Twilight.” Slightly off-topic, but I’m just trying to save you the heartache.) I just want to make it very clear that I am not “Team Edward.” I am “Team Vampire.” Get that straight, bench.

Anyway, rant aside, I’m moving on. For those of you who lack a cultural vampiric reference other than “Twilight,” I’ll direct you to the splendor which is “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Vampires in “Buffy” are not vegetarians who sparkle. They are monsters—blood-sucking, humanmurdering monsters—who occasionally struggle with issues like moral accountability and the possession of a soul. They are complex and they are terrifying, making this the sort of vampire one should aspire to be. Um, I mean respect.

More to the point, why are vampires greater than werewolves? Werewolves are only truly supernatural for one night out of the month. Their otherworldly power is controlled by the waxing and waning of the moon, meaning that they have no authority over when to exert their superhuman- ness. By contrast, vampires are always vampires. They don’t have to wait for the moon to shine fully to go out and bite people. Their fangs are sharp and ready-for-sucking 24/7.

Furthermore, werewolves are hairy. It’s like they’ve never heard of manscaping. Geez, boys, I’d say it’s about time you get your paws on an issue of Cosmo. Vampires, as it is commonly known, are sharp dressers, preferring wardrobes made of staple pieces in the classic color of black. A little leather doesn’t hurt either.

In conclusion, vampires may not be able to handle going out into the sunlight, but they are awake all night, every night. This means they can hit up the clubs, aka people buffets, all the time. If we’re lucky, maybe a vampire will one day kill Ke$ha or convert her to immortal status.


At left is Angel, a prime example of true vampires as portrayed on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

At right is a sketch of a traditional werewolf.

The vampires at left, shown in the film “Interview with the Vampire,” are adapted from the Anne Rice novel of the same name.

At right, a werewolf undergoes his monthly transformation.

Sports Editor

Last semester, Whitley and I had a fierce article battle to determine the winner in the ancient rivalry between snow men and snow angels. Now that we’ve tested the waters of “versus” articles, there are bigger fish to fry in terms of ancient rivalries. Yes, you guessed it—werewolves vs. vampires. Honestly, I pity Whitley. She picked the short straw in this debate, because there’s no contest. Werewolves are superior to vampires in every way. They’re bigger and stronger than vampires, plus each werewolf has a warm body and a pulse—definite pluses for those of us that like to cuddle! And have you seen Taylor Lautner’s abs? I don’t even like “Twilight,” but come on!

Not to mention, vampires are imaginary. That’s right, Team Edward— HE ISN’T REAL. A physics professor at the University of Central Florida proved once and for all that it’s mathematically impossible for vampires to exist, because, if the first vampire appeared on January 1, 1600, and it fed once a month, and every victim turned into a vampire, the entire human population would be transformed into vampires in under three years. Meanwhile, lycanthropy is completely real—well, clinical lycanthropy is real, and that’s close enough for our purposes, right? Things that exist in thought and reality are automatically greater than things that exist only in thought (shout out to Anselm); hence, werewolves trump vampires.

Ok, so maybe vampires are especially beautiful. And clever. And agile. And they can heal themselves. And maybe werewolves like to eat recently buried corpses (at least according to medieval myths). And yes, apparently werewolves often suffer from depression, and they tend to be pretty hairy. But what’s a little bad breath and melancholy and some clogged shower drains in the scheme of things?

Yeah, I’m not convinced either. I’m gonna have to give this one to Whitley, call it a day, and go read some Spuffy fanfiction.


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