September 14, 2011

Everything is horrible

By JONATHAN BALMER
Back-page Editor

A penny for the poor freshman(and the rest of us). Knight Hall freshman girls recently experienced their rst 1:30 a.m. re drill. Advice for these rst-year students: psychologically abuse and socially ruin any late-night popcorn-poppers, hair straighteners/ curlers and ironers until they transfer. This is justice. Repeated late night re alarms can cause sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation is a torture technique. Late-night heated-appliance users may cause nocturnal re alarms. Therefore, Knight Hall residents live among potential torturers on the level of Attila the Hun. I watched Mean Girls. The monster exists.

Among other issues: what of the presence of asbestos in our freshman girls’ dorm? I am told by a few science-major friends asbestos is safe if properly maintained including waxing the oor regularly. Then again, they tell me mustard, ketchup and even eggs do not need refrigeration. I remain suspicious. Fortunately, other residence halls enjoy air-conditioning. Twist! Some students can look forward to special air-conditioning units which spew mold. How can you be sure if your air-conditioning unit is one of the special units? You could just end up sick, like one sorority-member I spoke to. Waxing the oor does not affect air-vent mold growth.

Anderson hall bears its own relics of decay. Consider the mysterious hole in in the oor of an

unspecied room,  according to legend, has more than once been urinated into by former residents– for the sake of protecting the guilty bladder-evacuators let all suppose (pretend) it was more than four years ago. Sadly for one professor, this drunken incident caused his ofce to smell of urine. Whether by neglect or abuse, property damage, including total doors, is abundant. As all Cretins are liars, is it likewise true all Anderson freshmen are slobs? Perhaps not.

There is a fable of a squirrel which became trapped in a professor’s ofce ravaging entire bookshelves.

Anyone may guess how long the scourge-of-Satan-rodentmammal had been trapped in the basement ofce. The beast escaped when a professor made a summer visit to the Anderson ofce. At least housing improves in later years! Sort of.

Standing as a beacon among the pervasive gloom is Rucker Village: it will be nished—eventually…

REALLY! Reportedly a few Rucker residents and members of the questionably-existent Snoblés Country Club will hold a celebration for its opening in the Quad, a game of Polo on hilariously tiny ponies will coincide with the opening of Rucker Village. May it not meet the fate of Rucker Hall…it caught re. Hence Knight Hall is sensitive about blow-dryers.

Aesthetically, a coat of snow or Christmas lights alone cover enough of the campus to make it look pretty (more effectively than our ever-multiplying posters). The College has faced monetary and facility constraints (nothing new).

Yet I would not dream of leaving. Either there is something beyond the physical environment making our school worth attending or all Georgetown students suffer from a case Stockholm syndrome to shame Beauty & the Beast. I love Georgetown. We must nd out why.

Some may say I am too harsh,complain too much, that “this is not good P.R. for our college” or some such nonsense. Kindly I say: lies and slander! Truth lies in the statement that life is a tragedy to those who think and a comedy for those who feel. There is a season for every action under the heavens. A time for weeping, encouraging and empathizing and a time for scrutinizing, analyzing and laughing. The Backpage is more concerned with the latter; the context is favorable for praising the folly in all of life. One can pay tribute to the absurd, even while recognizing the positive in other situations.

A wild Walt Whitman appears! He yawps barbarically, “May-be one is now reading this who knows some wrong-doing of my past life…. /As if I were not puzzled at myself! Or as if I never deride myself! (O conscience-struck! O self-convicted!)/Or as if I do not secretly love strangers! (O tenderly, a long time, and never avow it…)” It’s super effective!

Believe me, I will not ignore my own idiocy. Best-of-all, one day, I might divulge why the Freshman Seminar faculty, and especially members of that vexing Communication department, snicker whenever they hear my name. Second best-of-all, the world has a huge supply of cute and funny pictures of kitties and puppies.

The four tenets of the Back Page at their best (and worst) are to do the following: 1) Identify issues relevant to Georgetown Students (complain). 2) Entertain (make bad jokes). 3) Propose solutions (pontificate on personal views). 4) Engage in discourse with the student body (participate in pissing matches). Caveat Emptor; Lupus est homo homini. (LO! Latin makust i soundo intelligeri).

This year, all students might be able to look around at our campus, our administration and ourselves and say condently, “This is good”. When doing this, remember the wisdom of G.K. Chesterton as he said, “The word ‘good’ has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of ve hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.”

An Anderson Hall abyss spites us all. The Georgetonian/JONATHAN BALMER

God bless and good riddance.

 

Disclaimer: the contents of the back-page reflect the opinions of its editor solely.


Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: