December 7, 2011- Issue 12 Backpage

‘Twas the night before finals

By DAVID ALAN ROYALTY and JONATHAN BALMER
Staff Writer (“I’m single. . . ladies”) and Back-page editor (“Bah humbug!”)
 

This week The Back Page is not written by its normal author. You may well be shocked as the authorship of The Back Page has been as consistent as Jamie-Lee Curtis’ bowel-movements (especially since she became spokes person for “Activia” high-fiber yogurt). But, this Christmas season is a time for giving. And give I shall.

In that giving spirit, I have given up my normal position as writer and given it to my friend, David Alan Royalty,whom wrote a “letter to Santa”all the way back in September asking for the opportunity. Who am I tocrush the sport’s dreams?

Caitlin Knox and I assisted Alan,as his friends call him, with the basic idea. However, beginning in the second column, every word was written by Alan himself (this excludes any mandatory editing). Mr. Royalty has truly composed a whimsical tale about fall-semester finals.

Alan is a sophomore at Georgetown College, is very single, “likes physics” and occasionally watches “My Little Pony: Friendship isMagic.” He’s been an extra-good boy this year. So good, in fact, Santa ensured he would receive his dream of writing a Back Page article. (In fact, the old man came to my house and threatened me with a crowbar.He then suggested Rudolph, that mutant-freak reindeer with a radioactive nose, would give me pancreatic cancer if I did not give up the Back Page for Alan’s Christmas gift.That’s how good of a boy Alan was this year). Without further delay,please enjoy Alan’s story, “’Twas the night before finals.”

ALAN’S STORY

‘Twas the night before finals,
And students were stressed.
Many of them would study,
Without any rest.
But on one part of campus,
Where hot drinks were served,
There was a ruckus,
And shouts could be heard.
Outside of the Mulberry,
There was much chatter.
Batman ran to them and asked,
“What is the matter?”
“I need my coffee!”
“I need my caffeine!”
“I need my grande mocha;
Don’t forget whip cream!”
He hurried to the thermos,
But poor Batman** winced,
When he pushed down the lever
And no coffee dispensed.
“Hold on, disgruntled students,
I know what to do!
I’ll return with more coffee,
And some whip cream, too!”
Batman bolted out the door,
And made a quick call,
Then ran as fast as he could,
To old Pawling Hall.
He looked up at the night sky,
And without delay,
Down came good ol’ Sandy-Wise,
In his Fair Trade sleigh.
THEN SUDDENLY A HUGE
[syononym for donkey] DRAGON
STARTED ATTACKING SANDY -WISE
AND SANDY-WISE WAS LIKE, “OH
[shoot-darn] NO YOU AIN’T[!]” AND
JUMPED OUT HIS SLEIGH CAUSE
HE COULD FLY AND THREW SOME
CHALK AT THE DRAGON AND THE
DRAGON WAS LIKE, “OH [Goodness
me] WHY!?” AND RAN AWAY.

He then returned to his sleigh,
And landed softly.
Then without hesitation,
Grabbed his bag of coffee.
Sandy-Wise hopped off his sleigh,
The bag on his back,
Batman said, “Thanks, Sandy-Wise!”
And received the sack.
Sandy-Wise gave him a nod,
And was about to go,
When Batman gave him a cup,
“Here’s one for the road.”

In the form of a handshake,
He gave Batman thanks,
Then rose back into the sky,
And was FLANKED BY THE
DRAGON AGAIN, “OH [Insert the
taking name of the LORD in vain
here]!” BUT LUCKILY THE COFFEE
THAT BATMAN GAVE SANDY-WISE
WAS SUPER POWERED COFFEE
AND GAVE HIM SUPER CHALK
POWERS AND HE KICKED THAT
DRAGON’S [rear-end] AGAIN AND
THE DRAGON DIED THIS TIME.

The students cried out with joy,
As Batman returned.
He brewed all of the coffee,
And got thanks he deserv’d.

And so, this was the night when,
Batman gave his best,
So we could study all night,
And still fail our tests.

(P.S. Speaking seriously, thanks for writing the Back Page, Alan! I was rather stressed this week and needed a break. Beggers cannot be choosers, after all. -J. Balmer).
 
Disclaimer: The contents of the Back Page are solely the views of Alan Royalty, Kellen Arlinghaus*, CaitlinKnox* and Jonathan Balmer*|(The “*” indicates Alan requested this to be put in but it is not true itself. We mostly deny ownership of this article.while “**” indicates the name of the character was changed by the author to protect the identity of the stories’ hero.) [Brackets] indicate changes by the editor for language

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