November 30, 2011- Issue 11 Backpage

Telling the Legend of GC

By JONATHAN BALMER
Back-page Editor/ Bad Bard

And now I give to you the tale of Old /Of how Georgetown tradition did unfold. /The year 1840 arose and so / A super-team convened, all behold! Now, /There was Elijah Craig so Baptist he, / Sought fortune selling Bourbon, preaching /A prohibition strict, rigid, man of / Such paradox, invented G.C. –joy! / He called Rockwood Giddings, young, bright and,/Alone, destined for wealth, unlike his sister, / Not obsessed with vain actors. / That Hollywood Giddings was going nowhere! / Joining them: the Crouching Tiger—ninja / From the future! And the grandmother from / The movie “Mulan” appeared there too and, / Finally, Saint Josephine- Anne and Kevin Bacon / Complete the story’s cast as cameos. / Behold the saga of the birth of our / Great traditions and our college!

The Great Elijah Craig one day wanted to find a place where no one could find his secret stash of illegal bootleg bourbon. So he called the Superpowered Super committee, Rockwood Giddings, the Crouching Tiger (from the land from beyond 1840 with his many ninja-powers) and the Grandmother from Mulan all came together and fraternized with one another and planned to build the perfect place to hide boot-leg Bourbon. It would be a place no one would suspect to look: on a dry-campus college.

And so it came to pass, that they arrived in the great and majestic land of central Kentucky. After much laboring, they raised a great Hall. Then the Committee planted the Bourbon stash under its pillars. And Rockwood Giddings, with liquid courage streaming through his veins, jumped for joy at the completion and fell and twisted his ankle and whined and stumbled into the road and was hit by a drunken carriage driver going way over the speed limit. And so he died just as soon as the first permanent building on campus was built. And there was much mourning and sadness as they dedicated the great “Giddings Hall” in his memory. And there was evening and there was drinking, the first day.

The Super-Powered Super-Committee was awoken early, nearby, in the field known as “the Quad.” The Super- Powered Super Committee saw a large number of the most disgusting Yahoos. They fought with one another, ate mud and smelled like the most uncivilized of peoples. The grandmother grew upset. She said, “At the end of the movie ‘Mulan,’ I said ‘sign me up for the next war!’ because of the hunk my granddaughter ended up with fighting in the army. Then some crazy magic crap transported me here. Not only is this not a war but around 60 percent of these smelly people are women!” And the Crouching Tiger said, “I have come from this place in the future. It is the same there. There are more women than men, though they are not as smelly.

Do not be envious of us men. For, even in the future, at Georgetown College, ‘The odds are good… but the goods are odd.’” And all were in awe of The Crouching Tigers’ ninja wisdom. Elijah Craig grew alarmed as he saw the Yahoos approaching and vandalizing Giddings Hall. The Yahoos ripped and tore at their clothes and ran fighting amongst one another, bearing no identity but taking whatever one pleased as individuals. They grew closer and their claw-like hands began to snatch and grab at the possessions of the Super- Powered Super Committee. They stole and slashed and hurt them, their muddy hands and bodies dirtying whatever they touched. And just as all seemed hopeless, and the committee was about to be over-run, a great blue light appeared and down descended St. Josephine-Anne, Patron Saint of Sodexho, wearing a white apron with an ethereal glow.

The Yahoos cowered. Without a word, but with a smile, St. Jo began cooking the most heavenly of all the omelets found in the world. And all were astounded at what they saw as the Yahoos lined up, two by two, and received an omelet from St. Jo. The Crouching Tiger and the grandmother from Mulan and Elijah Craig saw the Yahoos turn into clean, calm, human beings and turn into the students of G.C. St. Jo, after she finished cooking, said, “My omelets will always civilize these young people because they are cooked with the most magic of ingredients— love. But once a year, they must be allowed to return to their natural state.

You shall call this Grub-fest and they shall slide in the mud as a remembrance of the muck and mire from whence they came.” And all agreed, recognizing the Holy message of St. Jo. While civilized, the people bore no identity and they began to try to make a name for themselves. They created the “Student Government Association.” But the Super Committee saw this would not do: “They cannot govern themselves and assume our status as leaders of this bourbon- hiding institution!” they said amongst themselves. So they divided the newly created students into tribes with their own rituals, language and customs so they would not understand each other.

Thus the fraternity and sorority systems were created so the students would have a name amongst themselves without trying to lead the college. They each would have Presidents and leaders and positions of power and compete among one another as a pastime. And, soon, students forgot about the Student Government Association and all the college was tranquil. To prevent too much socialization and conspiring between them, like a good Baptist, Elijah Craig banned dancing and made the preacher from the Footloose town the Campus Ministries leader.

But lo! It was not long before Kevin Bacon arrived and started a great disturbance in the force and he came upon the Chapel, and took the pulpit from the campus minister and said unto the entire assembly of gathered students: “Cut loose: footloose. Kick off your Sunday shoes.” And great pandemonium and affections of the spirit ran through the crowd and they could not contain their bodies and they started moving. A fierce conflict started and the Super-Powered Super Committee originally tried to quell the movement by force.

The Crouching Tiger lept into the crowd dressed in black for, as he said, “Black is intimidating. The Wicked Witch of the West knoweth this as does Darth Vader!” but the spirit-tide raged on. After many arduous days, the remnants of the Student Government Association, whom were not preoccupied with Greek life functions, sat alongside Kevin Bacon from the grandmother from Mulan, Elijah Craig and the Crouching Tiger and reasoned with one another. The Great Compromise proved advantageous to all: the committee created Songfest as a yearly competition between the student organizations.

The Committee saw it kept order by preoccupying students and students and Kevin Bacon saw that it allowed their bodies to become jiggy with “it” formally once a year. And all were satisfied.

Thanks be to the Super-powered Super Committee for their wisdom and leadership. There are many more stories of Georgetown’s origins but may you hide this story in your heart. Amen. The end.

Disclaimer: The contents of The Back Page are not necessarily true. That is all.

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