October 19, 2001- Issue 5

Spiderman Attacks GC!

By J. Jonah Jameson
Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Bugle

[Editor’s Note: The Back-page has brought a guest to write this week’s article. Editor-in-chief of the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson, is an expert in arachnid-themed masked vigilantes. –J.Balmer]

As students returned from Fall break Sunday they witnessed the terror of a menace, loose on Georgetown College’s campus: Spiderman!

Spiderman previously conned himself to pestering New York city. Now not even the small-town Georgetown College campus pro- vides safe refuge from his dastardly disruption. Considered a hero by some misguided few, he indiscrim- inately befriends some (probably his cronies) and attacks others. His reported behavior on campus matches previous Spiderman sit- ings. Authorities say, the perpetrator of the horrid attacks on Georgetown College students is unlikely to be the work of a copy-Spiderman.

Witnesses say that he was observed once briey without his mask. He was around 6 feet tall, with gray hair and spectacles. He reportedly shouted, “Spiders are intimidating and everyone knows it! Spiderman knows it!” Witness accounts also report Spiderman uttering near-incomprehensible condemnations of improper use of Tiger-tape.

Spiderman is said to have attacked two Georgetown security ofcers and ve students, including one whom was caught by Spider- man leaving a “NEXUS/CEP“ event early. Spiderman beat him sense- less. The student’s identity and condition remain unknown. The scourge of all peace-loving citizens left after around an hour of terror- izing campus. Below lies compiled photographs and descriptions of the horric attacks captured by a Daily Bugle photographer that, by sheer luck, was in the area during the times of the attacks.

Anyone with information about the whereabouts or identity of Spiderman should contact author- ities, and the Backpage editor, immediately.

 
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