October 5, 2011- Issue 4

Yesterday is gone like Elvis and his mom.

By JONATHAN BALMER
Curator of Pure Imagination 
 

In honor of Georgetown College’s 225th anniversary, behold three ways to (ab)use history as we look toward our future as a campus!

Nostalgia

During the Great (more like GREATEST) Depression, the unem- ployed had the good pull-your- self-up-by-your-bootstraps-sense to wear a nice suit as they waited in line for their government hand-outs. Nobody had to ask them if they wanted cheese with all that whin- ing they were doing. You see, they were not like this present “Occupy Wall Street,” “We are the 1 percent” movement,” we have present day. No sir, because these 1930s guys were the bankers until they lost their jobs. And they did not protest at Wall Street. That place was a ghost town. The homeless knew where to protest—not Wall-Street— Washington D.C.

Another thing: smoking was sexy (thank you Audrey Hepburn). And our criminals also had the class to wear suits (during 1920s pro- hibition). People acted mannerly! We didn’t have this riff-raff we see today. Criminals robbed us with class. But I digress, some still do. We usually call them “Senator.”

Chronological Snobbery

Our ancestors were only women- hating, racist, earth-hating prop- agators of the hegemony which oppresses all of the voiceless today. Thankfully, we have progressed to the point that the near-future will bring about a glorious utopia. So, quickly, everyone—throw your support to every left-leaning movement you can! The less it pays regard to “historical precedent” the better! Because there is nothing we can possibly believe or do that future generations would dare think about looking down upon us for. We mount the pinnacle of history. “Look at me now. I’m getting paper [that cash-money],” as the kids say.

Throw out those more faux-pas parts of faith, at least, will you? Forget 2,000 years of a particular understanding on these nones- sential issues (“nonessential,” of course, as dened by me). Those poor, poor,iPhone-and-internet-con- nection-less fools (Apostles) just did not know what we know as infallible fact today! And that infal- lible fact, student of life, is that there is no truth. Liberating, no?

Fantasy

Back in the Third Age, the Council of Elrond forever changed our land by creating the coalition which defeated the Dark Lord. Likewise, we must gather our greatest war- riors and leaders at the Council of Giddings Hall to defeat our Dark Lord… so to speak. Well, you know, stories inspire us. Sometimes they inspire us to lose all conception of reality and become one of those weird sort of LARPers.

MORAL: Some of these may not be great ideas. But however mis- guided, truly they are not worse than a horrid, final, view of history: Apathy. If you think history doesn’t affect you, you are more lost than any foolish historical perspective I just described.

Disclaimer: The contents of The Back Page are not necessarily true and reflect the opinions of its editor solely. Sincerest condolences to any once-important historical figures dead, deceased and / or forgotten.

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